A minute before starting Tea Party Simulator 2015 – I ask myself why, exactly, there is a game called Tea Party Simulator 2015 in my Steam library.
As I’m loading up the game – I bet myself five dollars that I won’t last more than a few minutes playing this game.
4 seconds in – Wait… this is just like Surgeon Simulator. It has the same bad hand controls and everything.
20 seconds – I’m on a beach with various pastries and some tea. My only company is a teddy bear. Either I’m a young child or a deeply disturbed adult. Regardless, I apparently only have one arm. I probably shouldn’t be doing all of this unsupervised.
30 seconds – I attempt to pick up a cookie and instead lift up the entire table.
45 seconds – The teddy bear is chastising me for my lack of manners. Yup, disturbed adult.
1 minute, 14 seconds – I have successfully picked up a knife.
1 minute, 16 seconds – I have dropped the knife.
3 minutes, 28 seconds – I have successfully picked up the knife a second time.
4 minutes – I owe myself five bucks.
4:32 – I have sliced a cake. For some reason this is about equal in difficulty to translating a Dead Sea Scroll.
6:42 – I open a treasure chest and discover a pair of sunglasses. I then put the sunglasses on the teddy bear and he says “deal with it”.
6:43 – I wonder if Let’s Players see this game and just hear cash registers go off in their heads.
6:44 – In related news, I hate everything.
7:02 – I throw a fish.
9:23 – I backhand everything off of the table in frustration. Apparently this causes the teddy bear to become possessed by an Old One and the game ends before he can start gently gnawing at my soul.
11:53 – I think about the “2015” in the game’s title and realize they’ve made more than one of these.
13:48 – I close the game.
14:11 – I go to the Steam store and type in the word “Simulator”. 1,832 results are found.
14:23 – I then type in the word “zombie”, which has always been my barometer for over-saturation. 581 results.
14:24 – I lose my faith in humanity.
15:23 – I start chewing on tin foil in an attempt to make the voices stop.