Day 113: Battletoads


Let’s talk about hoverbikes.

That’s right. Time for some straight talk. I’m not looking to dodge the hard issues here.

Personally, I’m for them, always have been. You can look as far back as you like into my history on this mortal coil and you will not find one instance where I’ve badmouthed a hoverbike. It’s just not in my character. I’ve taken a firm stance on this platform and I’m not looking to flip-flop. As far as transporation methods go, it’s only rivaled by the hot air balloon in my book.

Now… how we use these bikes is a different story. For far too long I’ve stood and watched the people of this great country struggle with hoverbike usage through these “Turbo Tunnels” as they’ve come to be called. Countless hours and taxpayer dollars have been wasted trying to conquer this particular problem. Frankly, I’m not going to stand for it anymore. These tunnels are unregulated, poorly designed, and are responsible for the deaths of countless anthropomorphic toads over the years.

My opponents like to say “who cares? They’re just Ninja Turtle rip-offs anyway!” Once again, they’re dodging the real issue. Children were tramuatized by these tunnels. Even after we passed the legislation that legally defined playing Battletoads as a form of child abuse, I can still hear the youth of this great nation suffering. They are a generation that will never know the sacrifices we made for them, the d-pads we ruined so they wouldn’t have to put up with the same unfair wall placement we did. We strive for better visibility for the future, better steering, the assurance that we can hoverbike in peace, the wind blissfully blowing through our hair, perhaps even in slow motion as an attractive lady passes by. Isn’t that the American Dream?

Let’s not even get me started on the robots. Who made these things? The Dark Queen, that’s who. Don’t be fooled by her come-hither stare and knee high boots. That’s a mistake I once made and I have to live with that every single day. Yes, as certain members of the media would be happy to remind you, I once had a loose association with the Sexy Warlock Party. It was a different time and there had not been as much research done in the name of Hoverbike Safety Awareness at that point. I’m human and I’m willing to admit that. Show me someone that’s never made a mistake and I’ll show you someone that never tried to navigate the Turbo Tunnel.

You know who isn’t human? The churlish fiends that will tell you that this degree of difficulty is something we should tolerate; that surviving these harsh times builds character. I was there during the Rainbow Road incident of 1992. Remember that bullshit? THAT built character. How many stupid mine cart levels have we, as a nation, conquered together? We don’t have to stand for this anymore.

If we can shatter party lines to ban Oddjob, we can surely do something about this.


5 thoughts on “Day 113: Battletoads

  1. Fucking hoverbikes. I was a confident child, the world at my fingertips, before that level turned me into a neurotic self-hating mess.


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