I played WCW Nitro today.
Just kidding. That’s impossible. To play it would imply that it’s actually a game and everyone knows that’s just flat out untrue. Not a single human on this or any planet has “played” WCW Nitro for enjoyment or any sort of mental or emotional stimulation. No, Nitro is just a character select screen with funny recorded vignettes from your favorite WCW grapple fighters. In the interest of brevity on this busy day, I have decided to scroll through them and share my thoughts.
Hulk Hogan: Terrance “Hulkford” Hogan, as he’s more commonly known, threatens to beat on me “Hollywood Style”, which doesn’t sound too bad actually. No one really fears the mean streets of Hollywood, as if a waify Gwyneth Paltrow were going to assault them with her grocery bag of non-GMO fruit.
Ric Flair: I’m pretty sure they just caught Ric as he was leaving a room. He’s wearing a dress shirt and tie but I’m about 80% sure he’s not wearing any pants.
Sting: All I’ll say is that it’s very obvious that this was filmed during a period where Sting didn’t have to talk for over a year.
Lex Luger: He flexed aka the primary thing Lex Luger was good at. He may have said words but they didn’t register.
Alex Wright: The only guy with two different intros in different languages. They are both centered around his ability to kick his opponents, which is probably a good skill to have in the field of combat sports.
Randy Savage: Holy balls, what are you wearing, Randy? It’s like a black biker jacket with white lightning bolts all over it. Also, matching shades and bandanna. Only the Macho Man could get away with such an ensemble.
Dean Malenko: Dean Malenko isn’t angry with you. He’s just disappointed.
Eddie Guerrero: I’m convinced that they were holding Eddie Guerrero’s family hostage behind the camera and would only release them if he cut this promo.
Chris Benoit: Sorry. This one didn’t do anything. This character doesn’t exist and never existed.
The Giant: Captain Insano sounds like he gargled a pound of rock salt before they asked him to cut his promo.
Kevin Nash: As with everything Kevin Nash has done and ever will do, his primary goal is to remind you that he is way too cool for all of this. (He’s not too cool for all of this.)
Scott Hall: Scott Hall is too cool for all of this.
Booker T: He didn’t say “sucka” or call Hulk Hogan any names, so a waste on all counts, really.
Not Booker T: He said “sucka” whilst seeming to operate an invisible mortar and pestle in his large hands.
Diamond Dallas Page: Unsurprisingly, DDP is one of the only guys actually showing effort here. It makes sense, since he was one of WCW’s hottest young rising stars… at the spry age of 45.
Syxx: It’s pretty apparent that Sean Waltman consumed his body weight in Nyquil and Cheetos mere seconds before filming began.
He then died on the way back to his home planet.