Day 178: Status Report

I know I have some readers that prefer I talk strictly about games so if you don’t care about me or my personal life, feel free to skip today. That’s not to say that I’m going to tackle anything particularly heavy, but as someone prone to fair bit of self-reflection, I understand that thoughts about oneself tend to have a limited audience.

When trying to figure out what to write today, I was faced with the realization that we’re probably headed for a bit of a slump on the news front. Most of the noteworthy releases are slated for much later in the year and all of the questions we found ourselves asking at the end of E3 are even further away from being answered. In light of that, I do feel the need to take, at the very least, a brief assessment of what I’m doing here.

I’m a big perspective guy. I like to take into account every possible outlook on a situation and make my judgments accordingly. When it comes to personal accomplishment, I tend to falter in this regard. I don’t “give enough credit” to myself, I’ve been told. That’s probably true, though I’d argue that my work ethic is a direct result of this. I always feel like I could do more, to the point of often asking myself if I’m doing enough.

I’ve been doing this for a while now; almost six months exactly. That’s about five months longer than I expected to last, though I still find myself unable to be proud of what I’ve done so far. Those days I’ve missed certainly bother me, more than you’d think, though that’s not the only barometer to “success” here, if such a thing is even possible in this format. No one gets rich or famous writing a blog. I knew that before I started. This has always been a means to an end in that regard; the end being a job in the industry or at the very least more financial stability. Obviously, we’re still far away, though I can’t stress enough how much I appreciate those that have donated or commented or simply shared a link.

Call it attention-craving or self-centered, but my life goal has always been to become famous, not for money as much as the feeling that I have an impact on as many people as possible. Combine this with the typical hangups of anyone in a creative field and it can reek absolute havoc on one’s mind. I’m certainly guilty of this, second or third guessing myself after seemingly every post, wondering if I’ll ever reach that moment of epiphany or sheer luck that unlocked this puzzle that I’ve been trying to solve for years. In a world where everyone has a blog and a Youtube channel and a Twitch stream, how do you stand out? Is quality of content enough? Does it all come through sheer perseverance? What’s the sweet spot, one year? Two? A decade?

How do you make someone care? Conversely, how selfish am I for not being content with the people that do?

These are the things that you think about when you can’t sleep, when the whirring of the ceiling fan is the soundtrack to your neverending doubt.

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