Day 196: Party Hard


Those damn partying kids wouldn’t keep it down, so my first logical course of action was to head over there wearing a slasher mask and examine their food. Somehow, it ended up being laced with poison. It was the craziest thing.

Of course, this caused a bit of a ruckus once they realized what was happening, so to make sure they had a safe trip home, I offered a ride in my golf cart. It appears that the brakes malfunctioned, causing the cart to rip through a dozen of them as they ran out the front door. One guy actually managed to avoid it, so I went over and congratulated him on his quick reflexes. Sadly, he then tripped over onto a grill and spontaneously combusted. On the bright side, that was one less body I needed to dispose of. That dumpster out back was getting rather full anyway, what with all of the random stragglers that wandered outside and fell onto a wayward knife. Figured the least I could do was try and clean up the place.

Around this time is when the EMTs arrived, running over a few more of the partiers standing out front. I wanted to go over and thank them for how quickly they made it to the scene but an officer of the law then appeared and seemed to think I was up to something. Before I could file an official noise complaint, he was, to my complete surprise, caught in a comically large bear trap.

Others followed after him, wondering how the stove exploded into a person’s face or who exactly called a crew of exterminators to bug bomb the kitchen. A one point an overly enthusiastic SWAT team showed up and made sure to elbow every single human being they saw, just to be safe, I guess. Really worked out for me since an unconscious body is a lot easier to relocate, typically into a sewer.  I figured it would be safer down there.  For the others, I had to disgust them with my horrendously uncool dancing, eventually causing them to split up.  This made it easier to have a heartfelt one-on-one “discussion” about the noise. You know, a “discussion”. Gave them a “real good talking to”, if you know what I-okay, look, I stabbed them.

That’s right. It was me. I dropped that tree through the window. I startled that horse and made him kick that guy. That gas fire? Me. The falling bookcase? Right here. Who has two thumbs and hid a body in that ice box? This guy.

Yes, I did, in fact, cut the DJ’s head off.

Actually, I regret that last one. The music was starting to grow on me.


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