My creative juices are still flowing from yesterday’s entry, but, at the same time, I feel yet another illness creeping up on me. If you were to tell me that someone out there has a voodoo doll of me that they’re currently abusing, I would be inclined to believe you, especially considering my dating history and long list of mortal enemies.
So this left me in a rather tricky position. Somehow, I was to play a new game that scratched my world-building itch while also minimizing my personal investment in any sort of win condition due to the fact that I could very quickly stumble into a fort of blankets in hopes of smoothering my allergies. When I settled on RollerCoaster Tycoon 2, I knew what had to be done – I had to set out to make the worst theme park imaginable in the shortest amount of time.
The setting: the cozy island of Alcatraz, re-purposed to house the one and only ride that I ever intended to build – the Lobotomizer, an irresponsibly fast coaster that probably would not have passed any sort of safety inspection. As expected, dozens flocked to experience this thrill ride, but I felt like something was missing. What could I do for those bored patrons forced to wait in line for my sole attraction? What would bring smiles to their faces? Men in panda suits, of course.
I then proceeded to litter the entire island with helpful furries, ready to supply disappointing answers to such queries as “where is the bathroom?” and “how do I get off this island?” In an effort to silence them, I then surrounded The Lobotomizer with food kiosks, enclosing them inside of a high-speed high-calorie prison.
It was around this point that the Nyquil started to kick in and the details got a little fuzzy. When I stumbled back into my chair hours later, I discovered that I’d won several awards for my park; Worst Park Value, Worst Scenery, Most Disappointing Park, and Most Confusing Park Layout. For reasons that I can’t determine, the Worst Park Food award eluded me.
Perhaps they were so busy looking for an exit that they didn’t quite notice how undercooked the fries were.